Handling Anger Assertively

Handling Anger Assertively By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.


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The emotion we call "anger" is a natural response to frustration, pain, loss or neediness. It may also occur out of "old habit" or imitation of an angry parent. Anger is what we label the biochemical/physiological response we experience when our wants and needs are not met, when we are blocked from pursuing our goals, when we are hurting either physically or emotionally, or when we have experienced a loss of some kind. Anger is a natural emotion and a powerful energizer.



Many, many people have problems expressing their anger. You may have been given lots of messages as a child that you were supposed to be nice, kind, and sweet all the time. Or perhaps any anger expression was not tolerated and punished in some way. Messages like, “Don't you talk back to me!” accompanied by a swat, is not only telling the child his or her angry feelings are "bad", it is punitive of the child's attempt to express the anger. It is also very confusing, because the child is being shown how the parent handles anger and at the same time told not to handle his or her anger in the same manner. So the child often learns to bottle up his or her anger in an effort to be a "good child" and avoid punishment.

Bottling up your anger, allowing it to build until you explode, or becoming your own angry critic of yourself and others, are not the most beneficial methods for handling anger. Learning how to be self-supportive and assertive with your anger are the most healthful ways to deal with your naturally-occurring emotion.

It is unnatural for everyone to remain smooth, calm, and unaffected by the frustrations, hurts and losses experienced in life. But expressing anger in a rage or "dumping" your anger on yourself or others is highly destructive to your psychological well-being.

Instead of venting your angry feelings in thermonuclear outbursts, or blocking them, thereby creating enormous internal stress, you can learn to turn your anger into a motivational tool which will give you the charge of energy you can use to take control of your own life, pursue your wants and goals more vigorously, and clarify where you stand in relation to others in your life. Using your anger for powerful assertiveness is the natural purpose for having it in the first place. Here are six suggestions for handling your anger assertively.

1. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings of anger. Take a deep breath and listen to yourself for a minute. Become aware of the bodily sensations your anger creates. Ask yourself, “Do I feel angry enough to let others know what I am feeling?” or “How can I use my angry energy to address the problem to which I responded with anger?” Then decide either to let the problem go...along with your anger, or use the energy to address the precipitating issue.

2. Pick an appropriate discussion time. If possible, arrange with another a suitable time to raise the issue to which you responded with anger. A sudden outburst of anger may just put others on the defensive and may be even more frustrating for you.

3. Avoid blaming, judging, and accusing others. Your blaming offensive will only breed a defensive counter attack. It also makes you feel more helpless, because blaming becomes an obstacle to problem-solving. After you cool down, the problem remains with perhaps the addition of guilt or anxiety over your own outburst.

4. Always express your anger using "I" statements about how you are feeling. Say “I am feeling really frustrated and angry right now” rather than “You and your stupidity make me feel sick (tired, angry, ticked off, or any other adjective describing your anger).”

5. Say what it is you are wanting or needing which would address the problem or your anger. Make your needs clear and very specific.

Don't ask the other person to change his or her feelings. They have a right to their feelings just as much as you have to yours. Ask directly and specifically for something that will help you feel satisfied or less angry.

6. Listen to the other's response. Allow the person you're talking to enough time to hear and respond to what you've said. Look at them when they talk. Don't interrupt or rehearse your reply while they are talking. Slow down, and take in what they are saying. Then choose how you want to respond to them. Before you respond, acknowledge that you heard what they said, even though you may not agree with what they said.

The practice of using your anger to assert yourself can result in a much more fulfilled way of functioning. It can even bring others closer to you through caring and respect. Learn to use your anger for self-support and you regain control of your feelings and your life.



about the author :





Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. has 30+ years experience as a Life Coach and Licensed Psychologist. He is available for coaching in any area presented in "Practical Psychology." As your Coach, his only agenda is to assist you in creating the lifestyle you genuinely desire. The initial coaching session is free. Contact him: (970) 568-0173 or E-mail: DrLloyd@CreatingLeaders.com or LJTDAT@aol.com.


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The Emotional Curriculum for KS3

The Emotional Curriculum for KS3



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http://www.incentiveplus.co.uk/p/409-10040/The-Emotional-Curriculum-for-KS3.html

Product Description
Focusing on many of the challenges encountered by today’s young people in both a social and educational context, this programme fulfils many of the objectives identified in the SEAL initiative.

The book contains 37 sessions for KS3, focusing on key skills including self-awareness, managing feelings, decision-making, managing stress, conflict resolution, personal responsibility, self-concept, empathy, communication and group dynamics.

It provides user friendly and engaging activities that will motivate staff and students alike. The sessions are broken down into short achievable tasks which incorporate varied learning styles, including:
• Involving discussions
• Thought storming
• Short activities
• Problem cards and problem scenarios
• Questions for discussion
• Closing evaluations/plenary.

An accompanying CD ROM includes all evaluation and activity resources. This is a vibrant, relevant and user-friendly resource, which is ideal for ensuring the social and emotional well-being of every student.

322 pages

Age: 11-14


cost £69

Anger Management book for KS3

Anger Management book for KS3


buy it here

Price: £25.00
Age Range: KS3

Size: 66 Pages
ISBN: 978 1 86025 346 1
Author(s): Julie Hough
Code: ANMA
Popularity rank: 1


Students learn how to recognise and effectively deal with their own and other people's anger. Activities introduce and develop a variety of techniques to avoid and defuse angry situations. Supportive Teachers Notes include information about external help organisations.
Topics include: Self-awareness; Anger recognition; Building self-esteem; Expressing anger; Triggers; Dealing with anger; Avoiding anger; Stress management.



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Content List


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LESSONS
7 IT'S OK TO BE ANGRY Students explore the positive aspects of anger. They devise a list of their anger rights and create contrasting scenes to demonstrate negative and positive anger.
9 FEELING ANGRY This page enables students to identify how their bodies change when they become angry. They interpret a diagram and write an explanation.
11 FEELING CALM Students describe and imitate an illustration to learn how their bodies feel when they are relaxed.
13 TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS Students increase their ability to describe their feelings through an activity based on vocabulary and mime.
15 SIGNPOSTS OF ANGER Students identify facial expressions of anger and write diary entries to explore the feelings behind these expressions.
17 TYPES OF BEHAVIOUR This page focuses on aggressive, passive and assertive behaviour. Students match characteristics and behaviour types.
19 I'M OK! Students focus on a positive self-image through devising affirmative statements about themselves and others.
21 AM I ASSERTIVE? Students complete a list of statements to find their level of assertiveness and describe situations in which they would like to behave differently.
23 'I' MESSAGES Students practise assertive techniques through making statements about their feelings.
25 ANGER TRIGGERS Students identify people and situations that trigger an angry response.
27 TURN ON YOUR TAP Students learn how to avoid trigger situations through applying the Trigger Avoidance Plan.
29 PLAN TO STAY COOL This page introduces students to a four-stage plan for anger management. They make suggestions for each stage of the process.
31 STAY COOL 1 Students learn how to re-frame their thoughts about their anger triggers by creating alternative sets of thoughts for such situations.
33 STAY COOL 2 Students learn how to reduce the likelihood of becoming angry by planning alternative strategies.
35 WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF... This page enables students to consider the consequences of losing control when they feel angry. They respond to illustrated examples and apply what they learn to their own situation.
37 THINK AGAIN
Students learn how to re-frame their responses to their anger triggers by creating defusing scenarios.
39 I'M REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU! Students learn how to talk to someone who has made them angry. They learn two key points and apply them to different situations.
41 TALKING ABOUT IT Students learn how to talk about feelings of anger through a phone-in activity.
43 POSITIVE FEELINGS Students identify strategies which help them to recover in situations in which they have felt angry.
45 FEELING GOOD Students develop a personal plan of activities to enable them to feel good about themselves and others. They approach the plan through a sorting activity.
47 MY ANGER DIARY Students focus on recording their experiences with anger management. They design a diary page and draw up a format for a whole journal.
49 CHILL OUT A relaxation exercise enabling students to develop personal relaxation techniques and an understanding of how relaxation can work to help them.
51 CALM VISIONS Students practise visualisation as a way of staying calm and thinking positively.
53 DON'T KICK THE CAT! Students respond to a case study about the consequences of taking anger out on the wrong person.
55 WHY ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME? Students discuss strategies for responding to others' anger and apply them to their own situations.
57 DEALING WITH CRITICISM Students develop strategies for dealing with criticism through a roleplay exercise.
59 PUTTING IT RIGHT A problem-page activity in which students identify ways of repairing relationships damaged through anger.
61 MOVING ON Students consolidate their learning about anger management and complete anger profiles for a partner and for themselves.
62 APPENDIX 1: Feelings Words cards for use with Talking About Feelings and My Anger Diary
63 APPENDIX 2: Types of behaviour for use with Types Of Behaviour
64 APPENDIX 3: Feel Good cards for use with Feeling Good
65 APPENDIX 4: Alternative activities



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comments


It's difficult to find good Anger Management materials, but I think this book is very useful. I tend to find only one or two really relevant pages per book for adolescents, or dislike the format/find tone patronising, etc. This book provided many pages I will be able to use, and I think the language, length and tone of the exercises are well judged. I will use it a lot, I think. Very satisfied.

What is Anger? Why do we get angry?

What is Anger? Why do we get angry?


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What is Anger? Why do we get angry?

Anger is a deluded mind that has its focus on an animated or unanimated object, feels it to be very unattractive, and exaggerates its bad qualities and wishes to cause harm. It is the most common destructive delusion, and afflicts our mind almost everyday.

Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness, which in turn arise whenever we meet with unpleasant circumstances. Whenever we are prevented from fulfilling our wishes, or forced into a situation we dislike, or rather we are put into a situation we want to avoid- our mind reacts immediately feeling unhappy and discomforted. This uncomfortable feeling easily turns into anger.

Another important reason for our anger is that in our day to day life we face many situations which we do not like. Everyday we face situations like stubbing our toes, arguments with our peers, and even drastic situation like hearing bad news like our house being burnt down and even a death in our family. The most common reaction of a normal person is to feel unhappy and angry. We are not in total control of ourselves.

How does anger affect me?
Today, anger is viewed as an immature and uncivilized response to frustration, threat, violation or loss. Often, we express our anger in uncontrolled, violent outbursts. Sometimes, when required to give a response, we may fail to express our feeling due to anger, and we keep accumulating those bitter feelings. This can cause severe headaches to us because of tension, and we may on a happy occasion spoil the event with our outbursts.

Anger can spoil a relationship. Being close in any relationship for many years, there may not be peace and harmony throughout. There are bound to be clashes between personalities, priorities, interests and many other things. Being close for a long time, we know the other person’s shortcomings and it becomes very easy for us to criticize and get angry towards them. We begin to blame them for this uncomfortable situation. Showing temper too frequently makes any relation sour and bitter. And slowly the bond begins to break. Through anger and hatred, people can transform their closest of friends into their bitterest enemies.

Anger can cause mental health problems and depression. Angry people do not care of themselves, and may not eat properly, dress for the occasion or work sincerely. They also indulge in self-destructive activities.

How to deal with anger?
It is impossible to fulfill all our desires and to stop unwanted things happening to us. Hence it becomes a necessity to find a way to avoid getting angry.

Psychologists recommend a balanced approach when dealing with anger. This controls your emotions, and allows you to express your feelings in a healthy and less harmful way.

Anger Management Techniques
Here are some simple techniques that can be implemented very easily. Whenever you get into a situation of controlling your anger, just use these tips.

1. Try to calm yourself. Ask yourself, "How will this behavior be of any use to me?"
2. If something happens, and prompts you to get angry, think of the consequences of your angry response. After thinking, you will not act much fiercely, even if a little anger remains.
3. If someone harms you by wrongful deeds, just ask yourself if he did it on purpose. Most often, you’ll find that he had no intentions of causing harm to you.
4. When your anger seems to be raising, just count 1-10, and meanwhile think if your expression of anger will make the situation better. If you want to say something that may make the situation worse, it’s better not to say it.
5. While in anger, thinking about your loved ones and your happiest moments is difficult but it helps to calm down to a great extent. Before trying to calm the situations, calming yourself is the key to handle the tense situation. In any event, it is not a good thing to vent your anger.

Tips to control anger
1. Count to 10 before reacting or leave the situation all together,
2. Do some physically exerting activities like a walk, swim, etc,
3. Soothe yourself, by practicing deep-breathing exercises, visualizing relaxing scenes, listening to music, yoga or read something of your interest.
4. It is very important to express anger as soon as possible. Never be stewed. If you cannot speak to the person who angered you, speak to some trusted person and let your emotions flow.
5. Think carefully before you say anything. It is better not say any anything than to say something regretful,
6. Try to work out solutions with the person who made you angry.
7. void placing blames.
8. Don’t hold any grudges, and forgive the other person.
9. Try to defuse your anger by using humor.
10. Keep an anger log to identify the kinds of situations that got you angry, and how you reacted.

If you are no good at practicing these, role-playing in anger management classes can help you following these.

By Jayashree Pakhare
Published: 4/25/2007