How to handle anger positively with your kids or teens

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Everyone gets angry with their kids at some time or another - it’s normal - it’s healthy - it’s a fact of life. Kids know just what buttons to push and they push them! Supernanny expert Sue Atkins gives her tips on how to positively channel that anger, so that you and your family come out unscathed.



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As a parent and as a professional parent coach, I think it helps to accept that anger is an honest emotion. It’s what you choose to do with your anger that’s important.
If you don’t express your anger and you suppress it, it can lead to frustration, resentment, bitterness, a sense of hopelessness and depression, none of which are good things for you or your children long term.

Resentment builds walls between you and your children.

So, how do you handle your anger and release your temper healthily?

Well, one way is to press your internal and imaginary “pause button” like the one on your DVD and ask yourself “What exactly am I annoyed about?” This helps you step back from the situation that you find yourself in - immediately distancing you and getting you back in control and helping to calm you down.

You will probably discover that you get wound up by the same things over and over again and this is a great opportunity to ask yourself another empowering question, “what would I like to see happen in a perfect world?” as this helps you start focusing on a new solution to your frustration. Relax and start to breathe slowly and deeply as this too takes the edge out of the anger and get very, very specific about what it is you want to see happen - this gives you clarity and direction and helps you pass this on to your children who don’t often understand what exactly it is you want them to do.

Also ask yourself “Is my attitude moving me closer to or further away from the relationship I want with my children long term?” This question takes you immediately out of the mundane and humdrum into the bigger picture to your parenting. It immediately changes your perspective which is extremely powerful and helpful.

Another positive step to take is to talk openly and honestly to your child about how you are feeling and to release your pent up emotion - you can say something like:

“I’m tired telling you this over and over again because I feel……”
“I’m angry with you because …..”
“I’m hurt because you did…..”

This teaches your child about empathy and immediately takes the emotional charge out of your own energy and frustration.

If you feel like screaming and shouting at your kids, then your own anger has been building up for a long time.

A helpful strategy to explore is talking to a mirror. Get a mirror and imagine talking to the other person as if they were looking at you in that mirror. Imagine them sitting calmly, attentively and in a relaxed state listening to you properly. Tell them exactly how you feel - pour out your heart - speak truthfully - explain all the frustration, anger, hurt or disappointment. You can even imagine a rainbow going between you bridging the gap of misunderstanding.

The important aspect of these different techniques is to get all your feelings out in a safe and healthy way.

Some people hit pillows, bounce on the bed, hit golf balls in the garden or go for a long hard walk round the block - I have even been known to go into a cupboard and have a good swear to myself! Do something physical to release your charged-up emotions. Don’t be reckless or dangerous to yourself or your child. Just step back, breathe deeply and slowly and find what suits you and experiment with it - you can even make yourself laugh after you look or sound ridiculous - which is great way to change your state too.

Don’t be afraid to let your anger take its natural course - there’s no need to feel guilt and shame because your thoughts are your feelings in action or motion. That’s why some people describe them as e-motion.

Your anger can be a really positive opportunity to serve a purpose to find out what’s really bothering you deep down. Just stop and ask yourself “What am I so angry about?” You will get clarity from asking that question which will help you identify what you’d like to change. It’s usually something small that can make a big difference in your life and help you move forward - not stay stuck.

Once you’ve expressed your anger about the behaviour that you don’t like in your child, never use a personal vitriolic attack as it damages your child’s self esteem, do your best to forgive your child and to forgive yourself - have a hug, say sorry and move on to learn the lesson from the experience.

Maybe you’re a person who’s been angry for a long time or a major part of your life. I call this “habitual anger” because you’ve got used to behaving in this way so it’s become a habit.

Habitual anger is trying to tell you something - ask yourself some better questions - questions that empower you and give you an insight into yourself:

• Why am I choosing to be angry all the time?
• What am I doing to create these situations time and time again?
• What is it that’s making me angry?
• Who am I really angry at?
• What do I believe about my life that causes all these frustrations?
• Is this the only way I can react to life?
• What could I do differently?
• How could I feel more in control of my life?

Habitual anger is not good for your body as it creates stress, tension and illness. So it’s really a great relief when you start to understand what’s causing it and start to make some small changes to help you feel more in control of your life generally. It’s recognising that by asking yourself better questions you can start to find some new answers.

Many women and particularly mums have been taught that to be angry was something bad and unacceptable and that to lose your temper meant you were a “Bad Person” or a “Bad Parent.” So, many Mums have learnt to feel guilty and to swallow their anger rather than express it healthily.

This is an unhealthy way to handle your anger as it can turn inwards and make you feel unhappy, helpless, stuck, depressed and generally out of control of your life. So acknowledge that it’s perfectly normal to lose your temper sometimes and find a strategy or technique that suits you to release it safely.

I also show the parents I work with a tapping technique based on Thought Field Therapy that knocks out the anger helping you feel calmer and back in control. It’s what you’ve probably seen Paul McKenna doing on TV.T

The Tapping Technique:

• It’s important throughout the tapping sequence to focus on what’s making you really angry.

• On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the most angry 1 the least) rate how you feel.

• Take the two fingers on your right hand and tap your little finger on your opposite hand firmly about 5 times just inside the tip of your finger.

• Then tap about an inch to the left of your collar bone where you’d do up a tie, firmly about 5 times.

• Now tap the back of your hand between your ring finger and your little finger in the fleshy part between them constantly as you focus on your anger.

• Keep tapping this point while you:

• Open your eyes

• Close your eyes

• Open your eyes and keep your head still but look down to the left

• Open your eyes and keep your head still but look down to the right

• Whirl your eyes round in a circle in one direction

• Whirl your eyes round in a circle in the other direction

• Hum a few bars of “Happy Birthday” out loud

• Count out loud from 1-5

• Hum a few bars of “Happy Birthday” out loud again

• Tap your little finger spot 5 times again

• Tap your collarbone spot again

• And now rate your anger

Your anger may be gone completely or may feel like just a rating of 1. If that’s the case keep your head still and move your eyes from the floor to the ceiling and back down again and relax.

Thought Field Therapy or “tapping” is the new therapy for the 21st century as it’s fast. You may feel a bit weird doing it the first few times you try it but hey, if it works who cares! You can even teach it to your kids.

You are a role model for your children in everything that you do so teach them how to handle anger and frustration healthily and talk about it with them. What better gift can you give your children?



Sue Atkins
Supernanny Expert



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how to deal with a very angry child or teens

Anger is a powerful emotion and it can be quite alarming to see your child in the throes of rage. However, remember that it’s completely normal and acceptable for children to feel angry from time to time. Supernanny expert Dr Victoria Samuel gives some tips for how to deal with a very angry child.

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Anger often relates to a child feeling misunderstood, falsely accused, unfairly treated or insecure. It’s common for anger to conceal other more vulnerable feelings, and angry outbursts often reflect more than just what has happened in the immediate situation. The analogy of a volcano captures the way in which difficult feelings (frustration, hurt and injustice) can build up inside over time, with pressure accumulating to the point that a minor annoyance can easily trigger your child to ‘erupt’ and ‘blow their top’.

Tip 1: Increase Emotional Awareness
The Principle
- The more you can encourage your child to express difficult feelings, the less emotions will build up and overflow into angry explosions.

What to Do
- To be able to express emotion, children first need to be aware of their feelings. You can improve your child’s ‘emotional literacy’ by beginning to increase the amount you talk about anger and other feelings.

- As frequently as possible try to refer to your own and other people’s feelings and guess at, reflect back & question your child’s feelings:

“That man on TV looks annoyed”
“Your sister is ‘stupid’? I wonder if you’re feeling cross that she interrupted our special time together”
Tip 2: Stay Calm
The Principle
- Children are like barometers for the emotional climate around them: if you’re stressed, they will be too, if you’re relaxed, so will they be.

What to Do
- Schedule in relaxing time for yourself on a regular basis. If it’s difficult to get time alone, club together with other parents and set up a babysitting rota. If you get to recuperate once in a while, it will be much easier for you to respond calmly to your child’s meltdowns. Calm responses will help contain your child’s anger whilst angry ones will make your child more enraged.

Remember that the way you manage your own angry feelings will impact on how your little one deals with his.
If your child hears you hurling abuse at the driver that just cut you up, don’t be surprised if you hear a stream of insults when his sister has grabbed his favourite toy!

- If you’re feeling really wound up, don’t forget that time out is useful for adults as well. Make sure your child is safe and remove yourself for the situation. Breathe deeply and slowly and tell yourself: “keep calm!”

Tip 3: Accept Feelings and Redirect Angry Actions
The Principle
- Dismissing difficult feelings (e.g. “hey it’s not a big deal, calm down”) can be counterproductive; your child will be left simmering about both the original source of frustration as well as not being understood.

- The secret is to: i) accept and acknowledge your child’s angry feelings and ii) direct her towards an appropriate outlet for expressing her intense emotion. When feelings are accepted, your child will feel more understood, less in need of trying to convince you of their standpoint and therefore calmer. When feelings are expressed, the build of emotion inside is avoided and so explosions become less likely.

What to Do
- Identify and name the feeling that is behind your child’s rage

“Wow Jamie, that made you upset”
“You’re disappointed we have to leave now?”
- Show understanding by guessing at your child’s wishes

“You’d like it if your brother asked you before borrowing your stuff?
“Wouldn’t it be great if we could stay longer?”
- Encourage appropriate expression of feelings or problem solving

“Show me how you’re feeling by... using words / drawing a picture / hitting this cushion / ripping up this scrap paper”
“What would be a better way to solve this problem?”
Tip 4: Use Clear and Consistent Consequences To Limit Aggressive Behaviour
The Principle
- Your child needs to learn that although anger is ok, aggressive behaviour is not.

What to Do
- Get down to your child’s level and, using a calm, low but firm tone which indicates displeasure, clearly tell him what he has done wrong. Try not to shout as this suggests you have lost control.

“Katie, it is not ok to hit your brother”
- If your child stops behaving aggressively, give her lots of praise. If, however, she continues her inappropriate behaviour after you’ve given a warning, impose a clear consequence, such as the naughty step or withdrawing privileges.

If you are worried about the escalating nature of your child’s anger and nothing works over a period of weeks or months, there may be underlying issues which require professional help. Within the NHS, your GP would be your first port of call.




Dr Victoria Samuel
Supernanny Expert


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